Positive. No freaking way. I tested positive. I was on the phone with my wife at the time. I had driven up to Summit to work two shifts earlier that day. I was scheduled to work the day shift and then the following overnight shift. I remember waking up that day with a bit of congestion, but otherwise felt fine. I had poured a cup of coffee before leaving the house that morning and thought my wife must have made the pot. She uses one scoop and I use two. I could barely even taste any of the flavors. In any case, I worked my shift without difficulty. I really did feel fine. By lunchtime, I went to the cafeteria and asked Jackie to add a bit of extra spice to the taco salad. She warned me that the salsa was very hot that day. I put three spoonfuls on instead of the usual one. Still no taste. At this point, things were starting to settle in. I only had an hour or so left to my shift, so I made the decision to just finish. After I left, I went to the grocery store. I bought an at home test kit and swabbed my nose. Positive.
After my test returned, I had so many emotions. The first was guilt. How could I continue working, knowing that I could have COVID. How many patients and coworkers did I put at risk? I tried to tell myself that I wore a N95 mask and gloves with every encounter. The risk was low. But the guilt persisted. After that, I felt fear. We have two children under five that are not vaccinated. Our youngest was born with a cleft palate and recently had surgery to correct it. He also has asthma and typically ends up in the PICU with even the slightest cough and cold. If he got COVID, surely he wouldn’t do well. And finally, anger. I couldn’t help but feel angry at all of the patients I had cared for who chose not to get vaccinated and came to the ER for help with COVID. How many patients had I intubated in the last week alone?
So finally I picked up the phone and called my wife. What to do now? I was staying in a hotel in Summit and had it for another night, so that was sorted. I called work and told them I would need to come off the schedule for ten days. My wife emailed our daycare facility and pulled them out for ten days as well. My wife also notified her work and told them that she would be absent. Finally, I booked another hotel closer to home for 3 more days. My plan was to have my wife test our children and herself after 3 days. If they were still negative, I would extend the hotel for a full 10 days. If they were positive, obviously I would go home.
Thankfully, our children remain negative. I have been video chatting with them every couple of hours. Our oldest asks when I’m coming home and it breaks my heart every time. I miss them so much. I keep telling myself that it could be worse. I am grateful that the timing worked out in such a way that I was already in a hotel when my symptoms began. Thankfully, my wife and children are healthy. I am also grateful that I am in a position to be able to retreat to a hotel for 10 days. I know that many families do not have this luxury. So here I am. In isolation.
This time alone has forced me to think about how I approach patients with COVID. I will freely admit that I have compassion fatigue. It has been very difficult to care for the unvaccinated patients. If only they’d gotten the vaccine. Or if only they’d gotten the booster. Or if only they didn’t go to that party. Surely this was their fault.
Talking to my colleagues, I know I am not alone in this. They have made a decision to turn a blind eye to science, but when they get sick, they race for help. Suddenly, the science must save them. When you ask them why they have not been vaccinated, many become very angry. But still, we do our best to care for them. This is our job. We care for everyone independent of what brought them there. Independent of race, gender, religion. And now, independent of their choice to get vaccinated. We care for everyone. And yet, many are leaving the profession. We have had such a high turnover of nurses, PAs, NPs and physicians. More so now than any other time. So I know that I am not alone in this compassion fatigue.
This illness has changed my views significantly. I still have fatigue. And I still get frustrated when people tell me they have chosen not to get vaccinated against COVID. But I am more open to discussing this issue. I did everything I was supposed to do. I was fully vaccinated and had a booster shot less than 3 months ago. I shouldn’t have gotten sick. But sometimes people just can’t control what happens. I will go back to work when I can. I will continue to care for every single patient that walks through that door. This experience has changed me and I am hoping in the better. At the very least, I have seen every single movie available on Netflix. And that’s a lot.
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Erik’s bio is below. Keep scrolling.
Dr Erik Adler
Emergency Medicine Doctor. Trained in Colorado. Hobbies include snowboarding, mountain biking, camping, and hanging out with his wife, daughter, and two dogs.